Maria's blog: Work life balance and single parenting

I often hear that to achieve work life balance you must ‘make your partner a true partner’. As a widowed single parent my reality is a bit different.

My journey as a single parent has been an unexpected and treacherous one. When my beloved husband died suddenly three years ago, I became a single parent overnight. My life was thrown upside down. My daughter was only 3. In addition to my devastating grief, the realisation of being my daughters sole parent, sole provider, sole everything forever was, and still can be, a very overwhelming thought and reality. Without any family in London (my family is in Milan where I am from and my in laws are in Wales), I don’t feel I have an immediate safety net or back up a partner or close family tend to represent. I am lucky to have friends and neighbours who can step in for emergencies, but day to day I have to simply get on with the juggling act on my own.

I am no different to all the other single parents in this world, except perhaps I don’t get the odd weekend off while the kids go to the other parent. My role as both mum and dad is 24/7, 365 days a year.

How do I cope? I have to be super organised to get through all the small jobs. Washing, ironing, cooking, homework, PE kits, bills, getting clothes out for school (my daughter is a girl who has own ideas of fashion in a non-uniform school!) cleaning, tidying up, organising and paying for childcare outside school hours, shopping, work, buying presents and cards for birthday parties, signing up for extracurricular activities, making time for school open afternoons and plays bang in the middle of a work day … the list goes on.

No single task is hard on it’s own but put them all together they all add up. There is always something that needs to be done and every minute of my day is accounted for. Even on the train to and from work I am trying to get through my list. Only once the little one is asleep and all the jobs are done can I relax. The list seems never-ending so there is almost never time to relax.

But this is only the practical side. There is still the emotional side!

I have not found the answer to work-life balance yet but here are a few lessons I have learnt so far.

1. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Feeling guilty for not being the best parent, carer, son/daughter, employee, wife/husband doesn’t help anyone. Think about what you do well and what you are appreciated for.
2. Be present. We need to ensure that when we are with our family and friends that we are really truly with them. Listen with your whole body, make eye contact and give them your full attention. Put away that blackberry!
3. Do what works for you and your family. Gina Ford’s strict routines never worked for us and frankly, whilst I appreciate routine is important, kids are not robots, so I have learnt to go with the flow and listen to my daughter’s needs. I call it flexible parenting! Spending two hours to get her to fall asleep when she is not tired and wants to spend time with me after a whole day apart doesn’t feel right. It makes me smile when I see some parents’ horrified faces at my statement: ‘My daughter goes to bed at 9pm’. Well, you know what? She gets her 10 hours sleep. It works for us so why change it? All kids are different and you need to do what’s best for you, your child and your family.
4. Quality not quantity is important. I work full time so my daughter is on school premises 10 hours a day. Some of her friends go to Mandarin, Taekwondo or gymnastics after school. I don’t try and fill the time I have with her with clubs and classes. We just enjoy it together doing relaxing and fun things.
5. Don’t take your stress out on your family. Stress doesn’t make me a nice person! I know I need to work on being more consistent. Sometimes I am overly flexible and in the next moment I am super strict. Being tired and stressed makes it more difficult for me to be patient and I always regret showing my frustration when I am in a hurry to get somewhere and she is not cooperating.
6. You can’t control everything. Kids love to push boundaries, especially with their parents. They are not always going to be well behaved. They are kids after all! You can’t control when it is going to happen and a public tantrum doesn’t make you a bad parent. It just makes you normal.
7. Lead by example. Kids watch us and our behaviour very closely. We spend so much time glued to our laptops and phones so how can we get annoyed when they don’t leave their tablets alone?
8. Focus on outputs and deliverables. Flexible working is not a luxury for me. I have no choice. I can’t afford to be present in the office all time. I have to dash off at 5pm on the dot each day to ensure I get to after school club in time for pickup. I have no back-up. I can’t be late. When I need to I make up for it by logging in from home early in the morning or later on at night. When and where we do the work is really not that important.  I am lucky to have a manager who trusts me to manage my time and workload and sees it that way too.
9. Prioritise what is important. All the toys in the world won’t make up for spending little time with our kids. It is time that we will never get back. Ensure that quality time with your loved ones is a priority in your life. Life is truly too short to be spent just working!
10. Sometimes you just have to laugh! Being a single parent, working full time and having no family around means my social life is not that simple to organise and any nights out have to be planned like a military operation. My little angel thinks she is a mini matchmaker and has tried to marry me off to pretty much every man she meets, including her school teacher, the school caretaker, the plumber and a random 93 year old man with one tooth we used to cross paths with each morning on our way to school!

Work-life balance does exist. It does require sacrifice and you need to work at it to find what works for you. Make your happiness and wellbeing a priority, talk to your manager and colleagues about ways we can become a smarter, more agile organisation. The right culture is key for everyone to feel like they can leave on time and leave work in the office at the end of each day.

Maria works for a City law firm as Diversity & Inclusion Advisor. Following the sudden death of her husband three years ago, she is single parent to a young daughter.