Maria's blog: Mental health and stigma

I have been thinking long and hard about what is the best way to start a conversation about mental health but I think it is best to just dive in and talk about my own experience. So please allow me to breach this subject in a candid way.

Mental health is a tricky conversation in general, but even more so in the workplace, where we fear that being open about our vulnerability will work against us. But guess what, 1 in 6 workers are affected by conditions like anxiety and depression every year. It is a myth that people with mental health problems can’t work or can’t perform as well. With the right support people with mental health problems perform vital roles in workplaces everywhere.

So how can we remove the stigma and challenge stereotypes around mental health? By talking about it openly, whether it’s in the first or third person.

Here is how I have been affected by mental health.

I remember experiencing anxiety and panic attacks sporadically from as early as 6 years old not knowing what those dreadful feelings were. Self-diagnosed as a teen after accidentally coming across an article about it and the realisation that those horribly overwhelming episodes had a name and that I was not alone, gave me huge relief. A freak no more! I thought to myself. It was a short lived relief.

In my early twenties some life events triggered what I now recognise as an anxiety disorder. I started avoiding places where I had panic attacks and became very withdrawn from my second year at university. My friends didn’t understand and simply assumed I became miserable overnight! That hurt. But it wasn’t their fault, they were not mind readers. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them. I thought that talking about it would make it more real and serious.

I self-diagnosed because I was too ashamed of having it on my medical records. I sought help in counselling, alternative therapies and hypnotherapy. I managed to get better and lead a normal life again (with some self-imposed restrictions admittedly, but I could function perfectly fine in most situations). It was a long and painful journey. At the beginning of it, my counsellor asked me if I would take some medication to help me through the tough part, but I refused. And she asked: ‘if you broke your arm, would you refuse to put it in plaster?’ I said no of course. So she continued: ‘ well if your head is not well, why would you refuse treatment? It’s the same thing’. Stigma. The worst enemy of mental health.

Was I completely cured? No, I wouldn’t say that, I simply learnt how to deal with it and manage it.  I felt more in control overall; but life events can trigger mental health conditions. When my husband died suddenly three years ago, unsurprisingly I became a nervous wreck again, I was losing control of my life and I was not equipped to deal with such trauma. I went to see my doctor in floods of tears, overwhelmed by grief, despite my attempts to hold it together. I needed time off to come to terms with it all. When she signed me off work writing ‘bereavement depression’ on my note for work, I was horrified. I even asked if she could change it to something else. Again, I was worried about having it on my records, of people thinking I had lost the plot, making assumptions about me and my capabilities.

The doctor said:’ Frankly if you came in here after losing your husband, without showing any signs of depression, I would be more worried, it is the most natural reaction to bereavement’, so I accepted her valid point and walked away with my certificate and a sense of validation that it was okay to feel that way. But I was also disappointed with myself for having done that again, attaching stigma to mental health. Questioning my feelings as if wrong or a sign of weakness. And let’s face it, you don’t need a reason to be depressed or anxious, they are health conditions and we need to treat them as such.

So what now? I have gone through more counselling and introspective work, focussing on getting emotionally stronger and more in control. It’s an ongoing process, but I am in a pretty good place most of the time in the grand scheme of things. I am more self-aware than ever. I accept my vulnerability, but I am also proud of my resilience. Most importantly I know the triggers. I know what to do if I feel anxiety is mounting up and I know what my stress threshold is. Big dates like birthdays and anniversaries will drag me down a bit but I will ask to work from home on those days and being open with my manager really helps. I have learnt when to ask for help and I no longer feel ashamed of it. I am a stronger person in so many ways, although it doesn’t often feel that way.

How about work? Yes, when it happened,  I took some time off to rebuild my strength and give my daughter the attention a bereaved child requires. But have I let down my employers? I would say categorically no, my contribution has been and still is a valid one. I have never had performance issues and if I did, I would hope I would receive the support required to get better and perform to the best of my abilities. Mental health should be treated the same as physical health. If you are ill, you take time off to get better. Ignoring it will only make it worse in the long run.

Why so honest? “You are crazy saying this at work!”, I hear some of you say. I have learnt not to worry about what people think so much. My flaws make me who I am and they tell an important story about human vulnerability but also resilience. Being honest about it helps me. I don’t want sympathy or special treatment. By admitting it to other people means I am being true to myself first and foremost. Accepting myself as I am and being able to bring my whole self to work is key to me. My ultimate reason for being so open about it is wanting to work in an inclusive environment.

So next time you see a colleague looking down or stressed, maybe take a few minutes to actually listen to their real answer to your rushed ‘how are you?’, often hidden behind the classic ‘I am fine’. Take them for a coffee. Extend an olive branch. Asking for help is a tough first step and you can make it a little bit easier by opening the door.

Let’s talk about mental health.

Let’s beat the stigma.

It’s time to change.

Maria works for a City law firm as Diversity & Inclusion Advisor. Following the sudden death of her husband three years ago, she is single parent to a young daughter.